en Passant not letting life just pass on by

Prologue
As the father of both a 4 year old and 7 month old, I have some recent knowledge about care for a newborn baby. At my work, my two co-workers are both expecting new girls first quarter 2007.

Why not create a technical manual that these guys can relate to?

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Introduction
You are the proud owner of OBGYN's latest model BABEE. This has been custom built using the latest genetic technology to compliment your very lifestyle. Please take a few moments and read through the entire manual before operating your BABEE. These delicate devices are extrememly sensitive to the environment and if not properly handled can cause you an enormous nightmare.

System Requirements
Out of the box, your BABEE unit has very basic requirements. Unfortunately they will likely not be tuned to your schedule for several weeks and we at OBGYN suggest that you take a few weeks off from your work schedule to accomodate your BABEE unit.

1. Power consumption: At first, the BABEE Storage Array comes with very limited capacity. You should expect to be recharging the SA every couple hours (see section on alerts). Customers have seen the SA automatically increase after a few weeks, some have reported their BABEE taking almost 3 months before the storage array will sustain power for 5 hours (aka "slept all night"). When your BABEE unit has slept all night, don't celebrate too quickly, as your unit will soon start growing!!

2. Disposal and cleaning: Your BABEE unit has an automatic waste disposal (see Outputs below) unit built into it. This unit purges waste whenever space is required. Like the SA, the AWD unit will increase in storage capacity over the next few months. Don't fret, you shouldn't be cleaning your BABEE unit for more than 3 years!

I/O
Inputs: Your new BABEE has sensitive audio/visual input sensors. Using NAI (non-artificial intelligence), it will soon learn to recognize you by sight and sound. This process typically takes 1-3 months. Until then, anyone who approaches your BABEE unit will be greeted similarly.

As mentioned above, you should quickly locate the power recharging input. The easiest method of recharging your unit is direct application of BABEE Low Gas Formula Fuel (BLGFF) to the input near the visual inputs. Upon delivery of the unit, until it can self-sustain, you or another engineer will need to recharge your BABEE unit. BLGFF can be located in several local retailers.

Outputs: Your BABEE unit has 2 basic outputs. Both of these outputs should be located immediately.

1. The AWD is located near the base of the unit. This will need to be cleaned each time liquid or solid waste is disposed by the unit.
2. The second output is located inside the recharging port. This output can produce complicated auditory alerts (discussed in the Alerts section of this manual) and works as a secondary AWD. After recharging your BABEE, please take a few moments to prime the line and remove any air bubbles. Patting the unit softly on the back has been proven effective with removing the air.

Alerts
Watch out! Your BABEE has very sophisticated alert system. It will notify you of every possible type problem. Unfortunately the alerting early off is rather confusing, sorry. (Click here to purchase a supplementary manual.) This was to make your unit versatile for international sales. Don't worry, as the unit localizes, it will soon learn to mimic your vocalizations and respond. Customers have reported positive results around 1 year of training. Use of manual communication has shown positive results also.

Beyond the audible alerts, also watch for leaking by the visual inputs, swinging of the appendages, and irritable spouses. These alternate alerts can often provide additional insight.

Training
To increase the functionality of your BABEE unit, it is never too late to start a rudimentary training regiment. After a few months, you should find that repetitive exposure to various inputs will help set in a routine. By maintaining a regular schedule of events, your young BABEE unit will start to respond accordingly. At first your focus should be to keep a regular schedule for feedings, morning and night time routines, and extra-curricular activities (like gym, walks, etc.).
For example:

1. up at 7
2. daytime activity:
3. lunch at 11:30am
4. dinner by 5pm
5. bedtime activity: story time, language lessons, music (avoid consuming fluids)
6. bed by 8pm

After successful training, you will quickly find that your unit will start alerting you when a scheduled event is about to happen.

NOTE: Disregard all (except from a trained support professional) suggestions that your BABEE unit should be woken on regular intervals. This only trains your BABEE to wake on regular intervals, even after you have quit.